Viagra — it’s not just for breakfast anymore
(Independent Florida Alligator) (U-WIRE) GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Throw away your penile suppositories. Same goes for those painful injections and cumbersome penis pumps. Viagra is here at last and Americans have welcomed this wonder drug with open zippers.
Every American man worth his weight in lace panties has considered a prescription from the Love Doctor (and his talented assistant, the Naughty Nurse).
But before supersizing your way to sexual nirvana, you need to know the facts. So here’s the lowdown on the best answer to male impotence since “Baywatch” and beer.
According to Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company that makes the goods, “Viagra is oral therapy for erectile dysfunction.” (Hey, I just copied it.) This description hasn’t gone over well with the Southern Baptist Association. But it’s better than Pfizer’s original slogan: “Viagra. It’s Rogain for your (expletive).”
For you armchair chemists, Viagra works through a reaction between the DNA of Wilt Chamberlain and Marky Mark (a sort of Ebony and Ivory of the sex world).
This compound is blended with Olestra (for taste) and coated with a blue candy shell, guaranteed not to melt in your, uh, pants. Then you’ve got four hours to find something sexually arousing, like a car magazine, and you can expect enough potency to rip through some leather chaps.
Does it really work?
Just ask some satisfied customers.
Bill Clinton reportedly experimented with Viagra once, although the president swears he didn’t swallow.
But you don’t have to be a famous politician to live like a porn star. Thanks to Viagra, my friend jumpstarted his stagnant sex life to the tune of five different women every day.
And to ensure Viagra is safe enough to be added to fortified breakfast cereals, the FDA testedViagra on 3,700 sexually active males. After carefully studying every lustful word of the report, I can definitively conclude that 3,700 guys are getting a lot more play than me.
To clear up some of the technical jargon words like, penis and big and all-night-orgy at Studio 54 here’s a layman’s list of Viagra pros and cons.
PROS: No. 1 : The NBA has not banned Viagra, which should make Shawn Kemp smile with possibilities.
No. 2 : It’s easier to cheat on your wife. As you may know, 70-year-old Francis Bernardo is fighting a $2-million lawsuit from his wife, age 61, for acting young again with someone else. Wife Roberta told the judge, “Viagra is like a loaded gun.” Apparently, so is her husband.
No. 3: Chicks dig Viagra. I haven’t tested this in the real world, but my sex therapist tells me I’m almost ready.
CONS: No. 1 : There can be unpleasant side effects.
Three percent of tested users experienced blurred vision, which could actually be helpful, given the circumstances.
Another 3 percent reported diarrhea, a real mood killer.
So if you do the math, about 1 in 1,000 Viagra users will end up staggering around a bar, half-blind, constantly struggling to read signs on bathrooms doors, while trying to convince girls to have sex.
No. 2 : The pressure can be overwhelming. After downing a pill, you’ve only got four hours to meet “Mrs. Right Now” and get the job done.
Personally, I could use a bit more time to work with, at least long enough to visit one of those Hooter’s restaurants down in Tampa.
No. 3 : Viagra users with heart problems can experience heart failure upon arousal.
So your obituary will read, “Died from drug-induced heart attack while attempting to have sex after years of impotence.”
Now Viagra isn’t for everyone. Pfizer actually listed several groups who should NOT enjoy their product, including “infants and pregnant women.”
Add to that, “People who don’t have sex.”
Of course, some people were born to take Viagra. Like male prostitutes.
But if you’re still straddling the Viagra fence, I say give it a shot. You could be in for the best three minutes of your life.
And it beats the hell out of suppositories.
Keith Struddler is a journalism graduate student who has survived numerous Viagra flashbacks.
The views expressed here are not necessarily those of the Alligator.